Idolizing the Good, and Forgoing the Great

God said, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." That's His very first commandment. Oh, but we are so GOOD at creating idols, aren't we? Even with the very GOOD gifts He gave us!

TLDR: My priorities have been realigned; Book Two is coming along nicely; I'm about to answer the final major question about what's going on with the priesthood amidst the magic system alongside corruption and resistance (super frickin' hard); my CP Angela is helping me greatly finesse COF; I think I've decided to officially self-publish, though the thought grinds my guts about actually making it happen and marketing myself into a decent author platform; and I went to a wonderful wedding of two good friends over the weekend like a mini adult summer camp.

TW: Long ramble about how I see/hear/interact with God in my life. So.. bunch of Jesus stuff, but hey. He's around, so what do you expect?

So this last week, I had a hard reminder of priorities. It's funny, this whole, follow-God-and-do-as-He-says thing. You know He has your best interest in mind, and you know He's got a plan, and you do trust Him, but... "Well, I know You're busy, Sir, juggling the universe and all that, so here, let me hold onto this, because by now, You can't possibly be able to handle this small, insignificant, minute detail in my singular life while You juggle the rest of the world. Actually... You know what? Scoot on over, Sir. Or actually, climb on down off that throne You absolutely created and deserve. Maybe I can rule my life better."

*grabs head and screams*

This is exactly what we do, and when you think about it as written above, it's absolutely RIDICULOUS. And when you look up into the sky and imagine God looking down... shameful and embarrassing you even did that. Of course we can't control our lives better than He can. Part of all the mindfulness and meditative movement, the "release" this world talks about today, and finding the joy and happiness in ourselves and living in the moment -- all of it comes from letting go. But it's rather impossible to let things go to just... bob around in the empty, inanimate waters of the universe. There's no telling what will happen to them! They're just bobbing around! But letting go and letting God? That's a-whole-nother conversation. And a heck of a lot easier. But, spells, I'm stubborn.

Welp... Anyway. One of the things I keep trying to take out of God's hand is control over my life and my cats. Not that I don't trust Him, but that I have this very untrue, unhelpful habit of believing that if I worry about it enough, bad things won't happen. This year's cat-vet saga was (and still is) a hard reminder of how that isn't the case; it just ruins the joy and peace of the moment. I've thus dubbed 2022 "the Year of the Cat." [Or should I say, "Year of the Vet"?!] I do think the sage is almost over -- but not yet -- because I'm quite certain one, if not both, of my little boys have are still having issues (one possible heart or asthma, the other a stubborn rodent ulcer that has been a dog to figure out ("pun" intended? Because I'm talking about cats? Get it? Mneh.). We've since gotten them insurance, and they should be fine enough to wait the waiting period in order to test this. I might just be an over-analytical cat mama now -- who wouldn't be after all the chaos I've experienced in six months with all five of my cats?! -- but I'd rather have the insurance and be safer than sorry.

So, God also reminded me I have some pretty big idols going on. Previously, years ago, a huge idol was my friendships. God wants us to have friends, but not prioritize them over Him. And so lo, they all moved away. I was forced to turn to Him, dig deeper into His Word, and now I'm not only a stronger Christian, but I am finding my way back into my friendships while keeping Him where He belongs as the ruler of my life.

But I hadn't yet figured out how to do that with the others. One, my schedule, is pretty easy to release unto God, though I do still fret about it sometimes. It always ebbs and flows, so I am forced to trust in His provision, which He has always, always provided, even when I didn't think it would be possible to make ends meet. So this one isn't so much as an idol as a meditative subject which doesn't honor Him and just destroys my peace.

(Huh... I'm seeing a theme about worry and peace evolve...)

(Sidenote: I did not intend directly to make this post about God, but He plays a huge role in my life [as He should with any true, Bible-believing Christian]. He is always faithful, yet I seem to... forget that, when life and Satan and mere chance throw a bunch of crap at me. [Hunh; it's almost like there was a reason He kept telling the Israelites to "remember"... Like they keep forgetting how good He is. *eyeroll* *laugh/snort* *cry*].)

So check it.

First, I was reminded to calm the crap down about control, and ultimately, provision (i.e. money). I'm an unwilling-to-admit-I-want-control type of person. I didn't realize I was so bound in controlling my own life and the details within it until things started happening beyond my control, or until things changed my plans. I had this planned for today, but now you want to do that, and so now I'm all butt-hurt and anxious and irritated, even though doing that was a lot of fun, and I'm glad we did that, and we can always do this later.

It happens all the time! And God is always fast to check me, and I'm grateful, but spells if I don't keep doing it. How frickin' stubborn am I, right?

As all the cat stuff started going on February until now, I was forced to realize (ahem, "remember") what Paul says in Philippians 4:6-9 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. [i.e. He wants us to ask Him for help!] And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [You mean to say if I do what He says, I don't have to freak out?] Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. [Kind of hard to do that when you're spazzing the mess out.] Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." I.E. CALM THE CRAP DOWN AND TRUST GOD. *pants*

Here's a few more for you that smacked me in the face this last week:

Matthew 6:24 "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Ha. Ha-HA! I almost missed my amazing friend's wedding because I was worried about money, WHICH God provided the very next day after I'd already fretted myself into a massive depressive spiral and cancelled our reservations -- we were still able to go.)

Another about money: 1 Timothy 6:10 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." Money ain't bad, but loving it sure is.

And Matthew 6:27 "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Nope! I keep trying though, and it's annoying!

Okay, so. There were my reminders about fretting about my life and my priorities, and God reminding me that He's got me when such things arise (and I know He'll continue to provide, as my cat saga is not finished; hubs just came in and told me to bring one of them to the vet asap because of his lip, which I noticed the other day. Ugh!).

So the other idol He reminded me I have is my writing. This is a GOOD GIFT He gave me to use, improve the world, honor Him through it, etc, etc. The verse He reminded me about this was, ironically, Jeremiah 17:7-8 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

This, alongside the fact that I almost bailed on my friends' wedding, made me realize I was prioritizing the wrong things.

All I do is work, stress about my cats and their various maladies, and write. I barely improve my house, I have utterly neglected my yard, my friend time has been lacking to the point where, one time, about a year ago, I literally hung out with a friend for a few minutes, with the intention of hanging out more. We had to run to my work for a quick minute, we did, I did the thing I had to do, somehow forgot we were supposed to hang after; left her at my work with my coworker -- she had just started to breastfeed her infant at the time, and then, unbeknownst to me, my coworker left too, and my friend was all alone in my place of work for 45 minutes while she breastfed, only to go home alone.

I am so ashamed of this. She has since forgiven me, I've forgiven myself (though still ashamed), etc, etc. We are good and close and still love one another. But you want to know what I did? I rushed away because I had a writing date with myself. I chose writing and abandoned my friend (please don't judge me as a person for this; I rarely ever do such things, and we have all done things for which we are massively ashamed; I choose not to hide it, but to grow from it). Now, she knows very well how much I love her, and I make a point to prioritize not only her but other friends when I have the opportunity to see them. At the time, I didn't intend to abandon her, but I did. And that is... horrid.

And I was doing it again. Not in as much of a direct sense, because I have made a point to not do that again, but I've been avoiding it by skipping on hang-out sessions, and even avoiding quality time with the husband -- not consciously. Even my cats started distancing themselves from me because I had my laptop in my face so freaking much. It was not okay.

And you know how God helped nudge me out of that? He made my Muse shut up. She just stopped talking (yes, I talk about my imagination as a writer as "my Muse," as though it/she is an independent thing. I do not actually believe this, but I'm a fantasy writer, and it makes it fun, and God knows my heart, so whatever).

And then He made my battery in my laptop start acting up. (Could this just be coincidence? Sure. Let's call it that. But it lines up quite perfectly in the nuances of my life, I'm just sayin'. And at some point, coincidences aren't coincidences anymore.)

Then He reminded me of Jeremiah 17, where, if I rest in Him, I do not need to fret and hustle, because the fruit will come. And the days I ended up unable to write because of my laptop battery or my Muse just utterly shutting up, I ended up sitting quietly, or -- get this -- reading either fiction or even the Bible or doing a devotional (because even reading fiction, one of my favorite hobbies, fell to the wayside to write). But then, when I returned to writing, my Muse chatted away, plot development came great, and I was super excited and confident. I was poured into so I could then pour out and use the gift God gave me, by giving myself some rest! (Hunh... I feel like I've heard about this rest before... something about a Sabbath... nah, I must be making that up. ;P)

Then the next day, I did wrote again, and the Muse still chatted. It was fine.

Then again.

Then the problems started again, as I started growing more distant. And I was forced to take another break.

So anyway. I'm over this post, and I'm sure you are, too. (lol?) But the point is to make sure you keep what is TRULY IMPORTANT in the forefront. Without my writing, without my cats, without me working out, without my job... all those things make me who I am and enhance the crap out of my life. But who I am above all those things is a child of God, who is loved, cared for, provided for, and comforted. I can rest in Him, and all things will be given unto me. I am not alone, I do not need to do it all, and I do not need to choose between my love, my friends, my cats, or my work in order to write. But what I do need to do, is put God first, take a breath, create a plan, work the plan, and trust in the peace and rest that comes when the creativity slows, actually enjoy the Sabbath He not only gives but charges us to take, and trust in the Truth when the hard time comes, and not play party to the lies.

Alright. I'm shutting up. Time for a life overhaul.

Writing overall is going well. I keep thinking I'm nearing the climax, and I am, but the plot is getting more involved and complex (hopefully not complicated), so it may take me longer to get there than I think.

Thanks for joining me on this ramble.

Jess (the literal Mess)