Deep Dive: Why I Want -- Nay, MUST -- Write

 Hello Conduits.

There has been some development in my writing life/the progression of the books. I am all but running head-long into the climax of Book Two when I realized... I want to rework the ending of Book One.

Nay, not only do I want to, I must.

There are a couple things I realized while writing Book Two, and that is that, at the end of Book One, I made some promises to you readers which will never be fulfilled, given the rest of the story. So I got to scrub some of those. It isn't a big deal, might take me a wee longer than I want it to, but hopefully this back-and-forth gives you some insight into what it really takes to craft a book -- and not just a book, but a well-thought-out, full-fleshed story and characters with a plot and character arcs WHICH MAKE SENSE. So, respect all those books which do just that! Because *that* is the challenge. Anyone can tell a story and hit "publish" on Amazon. But I want to do more; be better.

Alright. So, unfortunately, while it feels like I'm at a different state of development (and I am, given Book Two's progress, etc), for YOU, the readers, it sounds like I'm in the same spot: almost done with Book Two, still considering or actively tweaking Book One. For that, I'm sorry. But... 'tis what it is. 

Although, I was thinking about WHY I write, and why I truly love learning when folks delve into the arts. I was commiserating with my CP Angela the other day, and we were basically spouting off about how much we loved the writing process while simultaneously expressing our woes about the very same things.

It makes the outsider (the one who doesn't write or draw or paint or sing or dance, or whatever) wonder: if it's that hard, why do it?

Well first off, because the cliché saying is very true: "I didn't choose the [writer] life, the [writer] life chose me." We write because, quite frankly, we must.

And everyone knows that anything worthwhile doesn't come quick or easy. And even though the world keeps forcing rest and relaxation and "doing nothing/being still" into our faces, we know, deep down, that sitting still and ruminating on our emotions and thoughts is NOT the way to fulfillment or joy. Such things comes from OUTSIDE of us. Yes, we need to do those things sometimes, but not often, not frequently, and certainly not primarily. Serving others and the world and being self-sacrificing is how we find extreme joy, peace, and fulfillment -- even if our bodies and minds are tired or exhausted from the effort. Our bodies are tired, but our souls are at peace. Everyone does this different ways, but this, ultimately, at the bare-bones, is how we all find peace and joy. Searching for peace and joy? Stop navel-gazing. Look up. Follow Jesus. There. You're welcome. ;-P

So anyway... writing can be like that. It can be a service. But also: it can be a tool. A beautiful, majestic, FRUSTRATINGLY WONDERFUL tool. And for those who feel compelled to write, it is JUST like that.

For example: me. I have been a writer quite literally since I could hold a pen. I have always loved books and writing and, even in the impressionable years as a preteen and young teenager, when I pretended to dislike reading or writing because "it wasn't cool," I still wrote (I spent many-a-year, even recently, doing nothing but writing the alphabet in upper case, lower case, cursive, print, upside-down-and-backwards... even when I wasn't creating, I still felt compelled to WRITE). I still read, though not often (I remember loathing The Hobbit the first time Mom "forced" me to read it, then when I tried to read it months later of my own volition, I devoured it in a day. Yar! Man, the pride of man, am I right?!).

Anyway. The point is that I continued to write and read because I just... couldn't... help it. And eventually, I said, "Screw this; y'all are fickle as crap; I like reading, I love writing, and I'm unashamed!" Furthermore, shortly before my preteen years, I became a Christian, and part of me quite seriously believes that Jesus-in-me (Emmanuel = God with/in us) is why I was such a nerd and an outsider while simultaneously being liked by even the folks that joked on me (ha; jokes on them! I laughed when they laughed, they got confused, kept doing it, and eventually, we actually became friends. Destroy hate with love, my friends!). Jesus makes you different, and I always already peculiar, so... the mix has been absolutely fabulous lol.

And honestly, it was my first CP ever, Nicole, probably my closest friend in the entire world -- quite literally, no exaggerations; I cannot tell you how much my heart sings just thinking of her -- that reminded me it is not only okay to like reading and writing, but that it was GOOD. It was almost like she gave me permission to do it, and as silly as it sounds, I think I needed that at the time, when peer-pressure was at an all-time high.

Anyway. Tangent. Back to why I write and why I never really stopped, and now, as an adult, it has devoured my life. I'll try to bullet it for you, so I can stop rambling... Don't worry, my book doesn't ramble. I chop out almost half the words on edits, so... imagine what my editing process is like! *eyes bulge*

Okay. *deep sigh*

1. I write because I feel compelled to. God gives us all different gifts, and writing is one of mine. It is not even my main one. Serving others and helping them find joy is my main one, which I can do via any avenue. But writing is one that also blesses me. It is like God said, "Here; your job is to serve others and put them ahead of you, but I gift you also this skill, so that you can not only use it to help and serve others, but as an outlet and activity that can hone your mind, make you grow, soar, and become who I need you to be according to My will and the purpose for which I placed you here." There you go -- that was me trying to sound like God. I didn't do it very well. He can talk a lot, but He doesn't ramble, and I definitely rambled it... But you get the point. God gave me the skill, and there is nothing I or any of us can do to reject or defy God, and so... I write. It is quite literally like an addiction, only it helps me be more, be better, and serve others in a way that makes being self-sacrificing a joy, not an obligation.

2. A tool. I've had a wonderful life, and the amount of blessings God gave me is quite... staggering, if I listed them all. That said, any form of art is, I truly believe, God's gift as an outlet to either understand something which we may not understand, or help others understand. There is a lot of darkness in my family (depression, suicide, anxiety, etc, alongside the joy). I never actively thought of using writing as an outlet, but especially with this onset of 2020, and all the craziness that has followed, it really has shown itself to be an amazing tool. I can not only provide an escape for myself and my future readers -- but I can use the writing to better understand and comprehend what is going on, why it is going on, why or what some folks' motivations are (because as a writer, you have to create all the whys to the actions and events), and then learn through the stories and characters why you should do/react this way vs that way, etc. It is the same for reading. Some find the same via some shows, but I think we need to be careful, and be discerning on the books we read and the television we consume, or other social and other medias, because all these things influence us, and we want to be influenced by Truth and goodness, not sugar-coating lies or things that actually make us less fulfilled because they turn us back to navel-gazing. But because such mediums influence us, they are excellent tools to help better understand life.

Since my family has seen such darkness, I really truly believe that if more people were encouraged and supported to dive into some form of creativity, much of the anxiety and depression would abate. Would it go away? No; such things are extremely complicated "diseases," but science shows that they are often linked directly to situational things. So it isn't a matter of numbing yourself with drugs, or taking pills to mechanically manipulate your mind, it is a hint from your soul prodding you to change something about your life, because your soul is dying while you body is merely surviving. God meant us to thrive according to His will and purpose, not just exist until we die. Listen to those feelings you have, and try to find their source, and then correct it. It isn't above succumbing to anxiety or depression, and CERTAINLY not giving ear to those dark thoughts, but trying to understand where they came from, why they're there, and then finding an outlet to better understand them and overcome them not only for your benefit, but for others. Sometimes, just the simple release of creating a picture, poem, story, or even a dance, play, etc, whatever, can help release some of that tension which can, in the moment, feel suffocating, but once we step back, isn't that large, and we see what is actually real vs how we feel (because reality is independent of emotions, but we can forget this).

3. Uh... Wow. I think those two are basically it. There are so many nuances with those two, though, that I could keep going, but I guess I'll stop. The only other thing I'll throw out is that writing and reading and creating in general really helps enhance the world we do live in. I love fantasy, but I don't read it to truly "escape," as I wrote above. I read it as a way to pause the chaos of my life, and through the stories and adventures and fantastical elements, I'm able to better process and react to what is going on in the real world. Then, when I return, I better appreciate what I do have, what is going on, and can see the joy in the little things that are actually fantastical in my real life. In part, it might be because I'm remembering a character doing this type of thing in a similar situation, or a creature that I loved in a story that, "Oh my gosh, that butterfly kind of looks like it!" and then now I'm super enjoying the butterfly. Or maybe it's where my imagination pretends I'm doing something I'm not, but none of these things are denials or rejections; they are merely tools to enhance life. And life is so wonderful, y'all. We really ought to do everything to fully appreciate it without letting it fly by, and dive into creating things and the arts.

Anyway.  I think that's enough for now.

After I figure this mess out with Book One, I'll try to rework how I chat with you guys, make this stuff a little more interesting and less long. I was also thinking about dabbling with video, because while this blog post is long, in a video, it'd maybe take me like... what? Five minutes? So yeah.

Let me know your thoughts on that.

Love you all.

Jess