To Pub or to Die? Confessions of an Unpub'ed Author

The other day, one of my writer friends said to me, "Stop trying to listen to advice that you know in your heart wasn't for you. Publish the d*mn book. It's ready and so are you."

I have to say, it was one of the most loving things someone could have said to me.

A lot of folks today cherish encouraging words and actions on the parts of their loved ones and significant others. And I do, too, I suppose, but what I really cherish and value is when they speak truth over me, independent of how it might make me feel in the moment.

My book is ready for publication. There is something small I want to tweak in the beginning to decrease the wordcount a bit, and Lord knows I have no cover and haven't formatted it or gotten any ISBN numbers, etc, but I'm holding off on doing so until I finish the first draft of Jezra so I don't mis-represent the characters and bleed the different motivations and personalities across the manuscripts.

But.

It is still ready. Even as is. I took a 440k draft (plus likely another 220k unwritten "third book") and condensed it into one 160k-word book.

It's tight. It's trim.

You can always find things to cut from a manuscript, but it's pretty... well, there's not much more to cut.

COF has been honed many times, over basically a decade, with the last three main years (2020-2023) turning from general draft of crazy fantastical stuff into actual novel with a plot and character arcs and theme.

(Technically, you could say I wrote what is the current novel in three years, start to finish. But without the preceding decade of piddling around and writing to my heart's content during my college and new-adult years (which essentially "just" gave me an outlet while I juggled that mess), I wouldn't have had the bones on which to grow the story it became over the covid years. (Le sigh; yes. They were the covid years.))

Now, years more later, I am working on the Jezra draft, and aim to finish it in 1.5 years before I start the second phase (self-edits, beta reading, revision, etc). This would be, God willing, three years (or fewer) from inception to completion.

Talk about an improvement in speed and development!

All that to say, I am still waiting on this one agent to get back to me. I am a pretty patient person; especially given the fact that I want to finish the Jezra draft before I tweak COF, but I do have a second agent who is interested in COF after I cut a few words (was? It's been a while...Either way, my plan for edits and word-count-reduction will be occuring regardless if she takes me on or not).

I want to give it a good shot towards traditional publishing as I can before trying to self-pub (not only because it's expensive (like nearly $10k to do it right), but because I would love to one day see my books in a bookstore. The idea feels so... far-fetched right now. Being published, being read, even being liked, heck even being successful--all that feels tangible and that God has said I can have it. The bookstore thing? Unsure. Just like everyone, I struggle a lot with pride (but me more subtly so) and that'll definitely be ticking the pride boxes. Lol?).

Anyway. All that to say: I lost two family members, my mother and my grandmother, which resulted in me having the funds to publish. I figure, at the cost of losing two people in my life, I could at least have my book published.

And yet I wait.

Is it truly to give it the chance it deserves in the trad-pub arena? Or is it fear?

Or is it outright disobedience? Choosing to go my own way instead of obeying Christ?

Ironically, self-pub would be more of a headache and less joyful than being trad-pub (for me). I'd be potentially closing the door to seeing my books in a bookstore. I'd be forcefully relying on myself for marketing and other means of publication and getting my book to the masses. It'd be all on me.

And yet, ironically, it would be the less prideful way of doing things.

Because I WANT to be published.

I WANT that approval from the publishing companies.

I WANT to be loved by readers and desired, and have folks eagerly await my next book.

I WANT that.

And I don't want that for any other reason than that it'd make me feel good.

I know myself.

Writing this blog once a month is hard.

Keeping up with my newsletter, which is only a couple months old, is hard.

I don't like doing stuff like this.

And so, if I self-pub, I'll be leaving so much of the success of my book on me and this stupid stuff that I despise, that, in my mind, instead of giving me excitement and joy and the sense of control and power others would view with it, I feel like it'd essentially be sending this story, which I've worked on for over a decade, into an early grave.

You can't fail if you don't put yourself out there.

And yet I feel like I should be publishing my book, not because I'll have all rights and control, which is, yes, a perk, but also stressful, but because...

Because I think I want the prestige too much.

God gives you goals.

He gives you dreams.

And what's even more amazing is He gives you the skills and means and encouragement to achieve those dreams.

But He also demands submission.

Worship.

Reverence.

That you put no other idols above Him.

My writing used to be an idol.

It isn't anymore.

But I'd be lying if I said my idea of success, according to the world's standards... I think it might still be.

At least a little.

And so.

I was praying the other day about whether or not I should publish my book. During the prayer, the thought "publish your book" flickered through my mind. Then I prayed that He help tell me what to do. Then my friend said what she said above.

So.

I am going to give the agent one more month (i.e. until the beginning of June), and then I'm going to reach out. And if they're disinterested in representing me, I'll edit the beginning as I'm already planning to, and reach out to the other agent with the sum total of the word count reduction (I was able to cut 11k words; by the end of the edit, it should be less... should...). If she isn't interested with the updated word count, into professional editing it'll go.

And then...

I guess it'll be time to get this thing into the world.

Not because I want to do this on my own. If anything, doing so almost feels like guaranteed failure, because I dislike the work involved to create the platform needed for its success. 

But...For those of you who DO care and ARE interested, I think I either need to just print a copy for all my friends to read and no-one else, or self-pub. Because I think if I don't, if I wait and constantly chase trad-pub approval and publication, I won't be chasing publication for the notion of getting my books out there to the benefit of my readers and to God's glory...but my own.

And that, my friends, just won't do.

We'll see if and how He guides me in this as I finally take the steps towards obedience. He might change my mind or open doors, or even send me a trad-pub deal for Jezra or for some story in the future. But for now... it'll be me and Him, and I need to make sure that ultimately, above all else, that I'm doing this for Him. Not me.

Colossians 3:1-3, 17: "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ...And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

Until next time.

God bless.

Jess