Grief: the Turning of a Page

Hey there, conduits. It's been several months, after which I'd said I didn't want to do to this blog as I had all the others. Well, in this case, there wasn't simply one good reason, but three.

If you all have been following me, you know that 2022 was a heck of a year where cat health was a thing. It started in January when my grandfather died on the same day that my eldest cat got diagnosed with IMHA. Throughout that year, my husband and I battled how to help serve our elderly boy without going deep into thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, all while having various issues with the others -- none due to environment; our house was and is fine and healthy to be in.

So, Granddad died. Jynx developed IMHA. Ozzy (Oswald) suffered chronic UTIs throughout the entire year, developed stress-related cystitis, which he still has today (just brought him back from the vet for another round of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories, but we're figuring it out). Romeo swallowed a clasp which was very expensive to remove (couldn't leave it in, as it would've torn apart his intestines), and still suffers from a chronic cough I do NOT like and want to address somehow despite him and his brother Tybalt being on anti-histamines. Tybalt developed a rodent ulcer and we realized through trial and error and bloodwork that he was allergic to chicken, so that problem is being managed. He breathes too quickly and an x-ray showed inflamed bronchial tubes. That was weeks ago, around the time I started skipping the blog, and I intend to get another one soon. If they're still inflamed, he might have asthma, etc. And throughout all this, my other elderly baby, Kota (Dakota) was diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure), where she was given 6-18 months to live and a plethora of meds to have daily, different but just like Jynx.

So. That's a summary of my medical year, but that's not what made me start skipping this blog.

 

Jynx died on Nov 4, 2022, shortly after my last blog post. He threw a clot, started vomiting, shat himself, and we had to bring him to the ER. He recovered but the vets revealed how bad of a state he was in, and we brought him back home, and had an at-home vet come and euthanize them in his favorite spot after eating some of his favorite chicken. Even when we'd brought him back, he couldn't really walk, stumbling all around, and was hiding in the closet. So it was getting close. It was one of the most painful things I've ever done.

Then my Mother died on January 5, 2023, three weeks after getting diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We understood she had 6-12 months to live. My sister and I flew down there but waited two weeks because of work schedules and convenience and cost, and Mom sounded fine, was in the hospital, complaining and goofing off like normal, albeit frustrated and scared. It was a daily decline. One day, she was fine. Over Christmas, we called her on Christmas Eve, fine. Called her on Christmas, didn't answer. Spoke to her the day after, found out she'd had a clot that went to her lungs and brain, collapsed one of her lungs, and now she went from being in extreme pain (cancer is INCREDIBLY painful, and Mom had been dealing with pain for a couple years. At first it was "age-related" then slowly grew to be something more obvious), to being bed-ridden and unable to even sit up on her own. She was still mentally there, if somewhat off. By the time my sister and I got there only two weeks after her diagnosis, she had already started the dying process. It helps my weird, clinical brain to list the exact things that happened, but I won't here. Just look it up. She ticked every box like clockwork. We were able to alert everyone she loved except her mother -- which freaking SUCKS because she was asking for her mother near the very end -- but I did have a feeling she'd go soon, so I had my aunt make a recording of my grandmother as though she was talking to my mom. Grandma had a blast with it, didn't realize why she was making it, and although she didn't get to talk to Mom before she passed, Mom had her mom in her ear, goofing off like she always does, so praise God for that. And as I said, my sister and I were there and we spent the last hour and a half with her alone, together, reliving wonderful times while Mom passed. I will never get her eyes, her face, the sound of her breath out of my mind. I attacked the estate stuff with a fervor I've never had before, I barely wrote, and I'm going back to sell her estate next week, then it's just a waiting game. Mom had a very small estate and we're already almost done. But the pain. Oh, the pain. I wasn't a mama's girl, and we were so much the same in the wrong ways that we butt heads a lot, but we loved each other dearly, and I'm so, so glad I was there for her, and we got to josh and bust each other's chops a bit before she started declining. But oh, the pain, especially after Jynx.

 

And then Kota died on February 12. 2023. She threw a saddle thrombus clot, was paralyzed from the waste down, and by the time we got her to the ER, she'd started drowning in her own fluid/blood and her lips were blue. She was very sweet and "normal" for all of fifteen minutes after it happened, then started struggling, so unlike Jynx, the decision was made for us, and we put her down at the ER (where I did NOT want to let her go, but at the time, it was perfect), with me cuddling and nuzzling her and her hearing my voice (she was blind). Some cats live through saddle thrombus, and if they do, there are supplements which can help dissolve the clots. It's still controversial, but the evidence is written on the walls. It doesn't always work, but it's something I was trying to decide what to do, and God took it out of my hands. Kota was my BABY, my first kitty, and we had such a unique, osmosis-like relationship.

So.

That's why I haven't been here.

But I'm healing. I sob randomly, get angry randomly, and I have a whole new definition of "it's hard," and "I'm sorry." It's amazing the things you feel when someone tries to console you, but they've never been in that situation before. It isn't kind and reassuring; for me and my sister, we wanted to ring their necks. Like get your freaking smiling face out of my face before I punch it. (lol?) I didn't actually get angry at them, but what I thought would help didn't, and what I didn't know I wanted, I desperately needed. My husband has been amazing, albeit, he has had to learn how to help me too.

Writing, obviously, paused for a bit. I wrote next to Jynx a lot outside where we put him down, so it took a long time to get back to writing outside.

Kota sat next to me all the time when I was inside, loving and purring and rubbing, and so it was hard for me to get back into writing inside.

I didn't talk all the time every day with Mom, but I did often, randomly throughout the week, and in 2022, I made a concerted effort to call her at least once a week. But before 2022, I'd talk to her at least once every 2-3 weeks. So it's been two months now, tomorrow anyway, and I'm really feeling the fact that she really isn't here. I am so struck by the reality of Mom's loss that I haven't even had a chance to give Kota her proper level of grief. 

Grief is the cost of love, and I'll pay it over and over again. I just didn't realize I'd pay it so often, so close together.

But God is so good. He's been with me this entire way, and there are so many ways He's shown up. I want to write them all out, so show how He does what he does. But for now, just know that He IS there, He IS working, He DOES love us all, and He will not and has not forsaken us.

Well. This is long enough. A quick update on the writing itself: I added a motivation to the beginning of book one, tweaked it, and am finishing up re-writing the ending of book one so I can ensure that it will be duology instead of a trilogy. I intend to finish the denouement of book one shortly, hopefully by the end of March or April at the latest, and will resubmit to traditional publishers with a new letter and blurb while I begin the second book.

Thank you for reading. Love on those you love. If you get an inkling you should reach out, text, or stop by, LISTEN to that. If you get an inkling you should really be cuddling one of your babies, DO IT. So many people had that with Mom and I had that with Kota and no one listened. God whispers, y'all. The devil yells. So listen to those small voices, and cling onto your loved ones tightly.

God bless.

Talk soon,

Jess

 

I love you, Jynx.

I love you, Kota.

God, I love you, Mom.

***

And for those who care, here are my remaining boys. Romeo (most white on the face), Tybalt (less white on the face), and Ozzy (orange boy). Rambunctious and a handful, and a wonderful source of love, joy, and distraction in such times. Thank you, God, for showering me with so much love.