Didn't Realize I was Angry Until...

It's been three years since Mom died.

For the most part, I'm fine. For the most part, I don't dwell on or even think about it much because for years, we lived apart, she in another area code or state, us operating on different social schedules despite talking semi-regularly, etc, but deep down, she was always there. She was my ultimate cheerleader, my sounding wall, the object of intense frustration, and held more of my heart than I ever knew she did--and still does.

Because we lived apart for the last several years (it sounds like estranged, but I just mean literally apart--her there, me here, etc), many times, Mother's Day would come upon me, and I'd go, "Oh!" and give her a call, we'd chat, then we'd carry on our merry ways until the time came for someone to visit the other.

This year is no different.

Except this year, I didn't realize I was angry.

Last week, I spent an incredible half-week with like-minded, Christian fantasy writers at a retreat in one of my favorite places, Tennessee. It was incredible and a respite I didn't realize how much I needed. I came back, had a day of rest and catching up, then went back to work.

Except that day of rest was full of rage and tears. At the time, full disclosure, I was quietly blaming those closest to me for their failings, complaining to God about why I still struggle with the same thoughts which surface sometimes years after I thought I'd already handed them over to Him, wondering how much of my life I wanted to tear apart or derail or change, because surely I feel like this because I'm not addressing something...

It wasn't until I was at work, "hanging out" with a client during one of their workouts, that I realized that I wasn't angry at my husband (my poor husband; he is incredibly tolerant even when he probably shouldn't be), myself, my work, my house, all the to-do's, or even my current life stage.

How it went:

My client, while working out (adlibbing here): Yeah, I got to figure out how I'm going to do this, that, or the other thing around the other stuff this weekend.

Me: What's this weekend?

Them: Mother's Day.

Me, scoffing: Oh, well I don't have to worry about that one anymore.

...

*Please hold while I cry for a minute, or several*

So.

I am fine. I am actually quite happy and content, and I don't want you think I'm walking around utterly sad all the time or that my smiles are fake (because they're not; they're genuine. The joy of Jesus is REAL, y'all). Plus that statement isn't even entirely true. I have a *amazing* step-mom and mother-in-law and grandmother, all of whom I love so very much.

But it was a stark and heavy reminder that grief never goes away. That pain, that visceral loss of someone you love, lingers. Hides in the shadows and starts plucking at your nerves and your pain in subtle ways that make it easy to blame on being sleep-deprived or hangry or overwhelmed or stressed/hormonal. And Lordy gee, how exhausting it is when you DO pretend to be okay, because you know something's wrong, but you don't really know what it is or why, let alone how to address it or recognizing enough to know that just need to sit in it sometimes and let it be what it be.

I don't have a message really in this today. Only that I thank GOD for the peace of Christ, because I don't know how I'd yank myself out of those dark clouds without Him. He's literally the Light and Peace of this world, and He is the only one who's ever pulled me from those depths and swirling thoughts. Friend and family have helped lift my chin, but He's the one who's always lifted me UP.

But I guess this is just a reminder to remember, truly, actively, in-the-moment, when someone is being a little short, snippy, irritating, or even mean, that you really don't know what they're going through, and that sometimes, THEY DON'T EITHER--even if they say they're fine and mean it. Sometimes, they're just as quick to blame something not actually at fault, because they don't remember they're a human hurting and that sometimes, life, while incredibly beautiful and lovely, is just really hard sometimes.

It's a beautiful day.

I love my life.

I love you all.

And I love you so, so much, Mom.

Thanks for reading. And please, for me, do me a favor and go inconvenience yourself to be with your Mom this weekend if you can. Call if you must, but GO if you can while you can. As "overwhelmed and under-rested" I claim to feel right now, I cannot tell you how much I'd rather be complainning about "having" to go visit my mother on Mother's Day.

Til next time,

Jess

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy.

John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

Deut 31:8 The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Jeremiah 31:13 I will turn their mourning into laughter and their sadness into joy; I will comfort them.

Matthew 5:48 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.